Every once in a while i get this moment of doubt, i doubt whether i made the right decision about my tomorrow, doubt whether im the right path.. to be honest i’ve been trying to type this note to myself and everytime i get somewhere close to end it i close it and reopen it again. 

i doubted whether i should write it or not. I am sure NO ONE have had my experience in life, but needless to say i lost so many people. Starting with close family members who pasted away, lovers, crushes, and even friends.

These losses were a lesson in every loss, i lost both grand and gradma in few years a part and their death was all natural without any cause, and i remember i used to doubt id ever be able to go on in my life without their existence. 

I lost a girl whom i thought we were so perfect, but even though things ended peacefully at last i still doubt why she ended it? 

I lost lots crushes, whom i simply doubted if there were even crushes in the first place.. and by the way i know a lot of people might disagree or have a different opinion about this, but IT IS okay to have a crush on anyone and it is okay to love..God gave us those two favors to use them. So yeah go ahead and love but never doubt it cuz it gets ugly but not as ugly as it got to me now. 

I also lost a fair amount of friends, well they weren’t friends, but they were the kind of people whom you thought they’d be there for you for life but soon enough once the get what they want, they ditch you aside. So i doubt why they were even being friends with me.

Aside from all of this, i was skyping with this dear friend of mine and without giving any names of genders i’ll just use “HE” to talk about them.

My relationship with that person was sort of an close up to the BONES kinda relationship, he knows everything and i mean EVERYTHING about my life and i knew everything about his. we used to spend so much time everyday together that we never got board of each others.. i remember during summer time we used to fight just because we loved fighting..BTW fighting as in “wrestling” not fight as in arguments. 

About 9 months ago he and i stopped talking for some girly stupid reasons and today we skyped again in the first time in 9 months.. It was great. We spoke for about 30 min but the whole conversation was about how we shouldn’t doubt US again and we should always trust in no one but us. 

THe dude and i were نفضفض لبعض and updating each others about all what happened in 9 months in a skyped that lasted 30 min. “good times” 

Bottom line, after talking to him i started thinking, if i didn’t doubt him in the first place i wouldn’t have stopped talking to him all that time. and one thing he said to me was, 

“Before you do anything or decide on anything استخير ربنا and you’ll know where you’re going” 

So this is my message to myself from now on. Before doing anything i’ll ask the lord if this was meant to be then let it be. I mean الصحابة كانو يستخيرو إزا يحطو ملح في الأكل او لا فا من باب اولى إنو انا اسخير في كل شي

Ask the lord whether i am being tested to see my strength or weakness is to empower me with strength and patience on those whom i’ve lost because of death.

Ask the lord to whether this person is right for me to get serious with and if she’s any bad then keep her as far away from me.

Ask the lord whether i should like certain people or even have any kind of friendship with or not..

الإستخارة is our key, our mental and spiritual doctor.

k The end yo

Moa  

I LOVE YOU <3 

Summer 2011: i was rejected from school of Architecture! I was told that i wasn’t good enough. I was asked “Do you wanna be here with this weak work?” I was asked by the chair of the department to find a different major that fits my skills! 

I was disappointed and i disappointed the people who were behind me..my parents and my family. 

i fought for it, i reworked my portfolio, i begged the chair to let me into the program to the 3rd year, i kissed so many asses and begged so many assholes.. and the result? they gave me a chance to prove myself.

So, i got in..you think its the end? no this was just the beginning of my worst nightmare.

I got in and i took my first studio class in the 300 level it was called Arch380, and just so happen the Chair was my professor in that class and he was one “ANAL” proff to be honest. Aside from him being from london he was a full time asshole to me. (btw i don’t hate english peeeps i just hate this fucker) 

I worked so hard during the term and i happened to have had one of my worst times in my life when i felt like i was a full responsible for my own family since dad got his first heart attack back then. I was the father, the driver, the brother and the son to my family who needed me in every step of their day. بالعربي اندعكت مزبوط

End of that term i received an “F” in that studio and i was told i can’t go on to the next level till i retake this studio which is only offered once a year. MEANING i have to wait till next year to take it again!!! 

I spent my whole 2011-2012 looking for a different major and lying to myself and other people that “hey im still in the program but im taking my time slow” i was too ashamed to even admit it to myself that hey..Moayad got his first “F” and not just at any class? OH no its a freaking studio class yo! Shit is hard. 

I spent the whole year taking regular classes that i’ve honestly and without any doubt..didn’t learn anything from or liked or enjoyed at ALL! bas al7amdolilah!

_________________________

Fall 2012, Moayad comes back to the department of Architecture one more time..i take 380 class and i meet kids from who were way too younger than i am and way less pro at Architecture..i took advantage of that i worked hard and yes once again my dad got into another heart surgery at the same time of his first heart attack of last year. But this time i was good at managing my time! I played my cards right and I got an “A-” in that class! 

At that point i was so thankful and happy that i’m finally on the right path! i finally proved to myself and to my fam that i can do it and proved it to that asshole that i am worth the shot! 

I went on to 2013 winter term and i took 381 studio and i got an A- again! 

and now that i just finished my 382 class of spring of 2013!! i am totally done with my 3rd year which should’ve been my 4th only if i had passed that class in the first place! 

I know No one is reading this boring ass story but i do these for alzaman! cuz one day i wanna be able to look at it and remember what i’ve gone through although i don’t think i’ll ever forget these last few years of my life!! Right now i only have less than 15 hours to graduate and i am inshalalh going to by next march when my brifffday comes! 

Moral of story…Love your parents and pray that Allah will keep’em by your side. 

-Moa 

I told myself I’m never writing one of these random thoughts, specially not at 5am when my eyes are super glued together but hey, who’s counting? I mean were nights even meant for us to sleep in? I guess the Quran said that but what if we go against that?

Okay let’s pause here for a sec..

Before u get judgmental on me here I wanna explain that I’m not correcting the Quran no I am totally with what it says.

What I’m talking about here is another aspect of this story which is the other side of the world where it’s not even night time over there where people are actually doing things while my side of my world is asleep and by the way.. I have my window cracked open now and there is this bird who refuses to stop tweeting and I wanna shoot that bird cuz it’s bugging me lol.

Okay obviously I have A.D.D back to my “thought”. Now why do I even put an effort into staying up late to have this beautiful convo with a person all across the world when that person could be enjoying their mornings just like regular people? It became a habit to us not just a thing anymore..I’d rather not say anything further now cuz I don’t know what’s tomorrow holding for us. But I know for sure that by tomorrow I will have that tweeting bird outside my window killed or shocked or something cuz nigga I wanna get some sleep..k night

Oh who ever is reading this, I love your face

K

Night..

Bye

B

Y

E

K

Wallah 5ala9 

Yallah alSalam 3aleekom wa ra7mat Allah wabarakatohhhh

-Moa